Writing

This section includes some of my latest writing—and some old favorites.  My preferred genre is the personal essay.  Over the last couple of years, though, I’ve been surprised by a leaning toward poetry—very slight, but evident nonetheless.  In a brave move, I include some of those “leanings.”

I work with a personal trainer twice a week.  A guy named Anthony.  Big guy.  Hard muscles.  Wears a ponytail and a do-rag and sunglasses all the time.  A diamond stud in each ear.  Baggy pants and bright-colored hooded sweatshirts. Walks tough, with a swagger that could be mistaken for bravado.   He might even scare you if he looked at you in a certain way.  I’m tellin’ you, he’s big picture.  But don’t be fooled; he’s soft.  Not mushy soft, but soft as in his heart is completely open.  When I think of Buddha nature, I think of Anthony Espaillot.  Kind and generous, compassionate and loving.  To the core loving.  
    On Fridays, I come to the gym at 3:30 to walk on the treadmill before we train, and while I’m walking Anthony is conducting a children’s class.  For a full hour he keeps five to six human spark plugs engaged in a variety of physical challenges that build their muscles and their character.  I have never seen a group of kids adore anyone like these kids adore Anthony.  Mr. Anthony they call him.  Tiny little bodies, wiggling and flailing about with uncontrollable energy for life.  Each one willing to be reigned in by Mr. Anthony because at some deep level, they know he has their best interest at heart.  And he does.  He wants them to develop strong and agile and capable bodies.  And somehow, without saying a word about it, he shows them how care for their bodies goes hand in hand with care for their character, about who they are and what is possible for them.  He is a personal trainer.  But he is also a boddhisatva, a term given in the Buddhist tradition to enlightened beings who have come into human form to teach others the path to peace and happiness.
     I had the honor of witnessing Anthony’s unique brand of training last week with Daniel, a slight, freckle-faced, curly-headed eight-year-old whose father sent him to Anthony hoping he would develop more interest in baseball, a sport the father loves and Daniel not so much.  When I came into the back room of the gym to stretch out after my cardio work, Anthony was finishing up with the kids; they were guessing numbers to win the last prize he had to offer them for their good effort during the session.  Anthony is a genius at motivating these kids to do amazingly difficult tasks (like jumping from a flat footed position onto a bench); in addition to his own genuine praise and high expectations, it’s not beneath him to offer them prizes.  It’s fun to see how hard and seriously they perform for the silliest trifle.  
     So anyway, it’s 4:25.  They’ve been working hard for fifty-five minutes.  Their little faces are flushed, their hair is damp, a musk unique to young, sweaty bodies permeates the room.  But they’re beginning to slow down a bit, even though the decibel level in the small space is excruciatingly high.  Anthony has a red gift sack in one hand, and small pieces of numbered papers in the other hand.  Each child comes forward to draw a number and a chance to win the red sack.  You have never seen such focus.  This is the announcement of the winner of the Florida lottery, Who Wants to Be a Millionaire, and Deal or No Deal all rolled into one moment.  Bodies are tense.  Eyes are riveted.  Expectancy hovers like a hawk.
     Anthony commands the athletes to stand against the wall.  They wiggle, tease each other, scream for his attention.  With a look he focuses them on the business at hand.  “Emma, what’s your number?”  
    “Thirty-two!” she booms.  
     “Tony, what’s your number?”  
     “Twenty-seven,” he screams louder than Emma.  And on down the line until all have surely split a vocal cord.  No one has pulled the winning number, the prize remains unclaimed, so Anthony must offer a final challenge.  
     “Everyone down on your mat, plank position on your elbows.  Hold it high, hold it tight.  The last person holding is the winner of the prize.”  They fly into plank position, laughing, talking, craning their necks around like young turtles to see where Mr. Anthony is in the room or to check out the position of their compatriots.  They are in this for blood now.  The prize awaits.

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no, no, no

I will not do it again.

I said I would love you forever, but I can’t, I don’t.

I am so sorry and deeply regret my too-early

commitment to a life of

green grass and

white clapboard and

long winter evenings

and pumpkins in the side garden.

I said for better or worse,

but I didn’t really think there would be worse.

Who does?

But there was.

Worse weather.

Worse eczema.

Worse sex.

Worse enmity from people who don’t know me.

Where was I to hide from those relentless eye,

those probing fingers,

pushing their way into my waist, tisking at my frailness,

pulling at the collar of my coat, as if to shield me from the cold,

smoothing my uncontrollable hair as if I were a child?

I said I’d be here until death parted us,

and that sounded so right at the time.

The good part of me knows that devotion begets love,

patience begets compassion,

prayer begets peace.

But that didn’t happen.

So finally, on a night when everything seemed just right--

the dishes done, the house clean, the fire blazing,

Debussy playing softly on the radio upstairs,

you splayed on the couch and  reading so intently,

like the news in books really matters--

finally, the good part of me disappeared.

It was baked in the strawberry-rhubarb pie I made

with the last yield of fruit from the lower garden.

It was sucked up the dryer vent,

the one I cleaned out last month

with the tool designed for just such household contingencies.

It was burned in the fireplace along with wood and pine cones

you brought in from the back woods,

the land you walk every morning at dawn.

The good part of me knew I could stay and things would be just fine.

But she wasn’t around when I backed out of the driveway, rolled down the windows, stepped hard on the accelerator, and

flicked my last cigarette at the sign on the edge of town:

“Welcome to Remorse.  You won’t be sorry you stopped.”

The most future I’m going to let myself have is tonight.

I put my head on this pillow and say my prayers.

I smell the clean sheets and stretch my long legs across the bed.

I turn to the window and see the moon suspended in the live oak.

It inches its way across bare branches, and light diminishes;

        my mind churns, yearnings rise.

I want to anticipate tomorrow’s meeting, fix next week’s dilemma,

luxuriate in a litany of hopes.

But I won’t.  I have deleted the future.

It no longer serves.

For now, I rest in this groundless, empty dark. 

The steamy pressure of this southern night is enough future for one tiny soul.

Finish it.

Pray for help in allowing completion.

Let it be over.

Let it fly on its own.

Resist perfection.

Love it as it is.

Its imperfection will inspire.

See with God’s eyes.

It is done.

She wants to be adored. 

She won’t reveal this to you, but if you could sneak into her heart (if she would ever let you), you would know.  Inside the husk of this yearning is a seed she buried before she was born.  And if by some sly maneuver you get into this heart of hers (which means you find yourself wanting to be there), you will find that seed tended by a Caretaker, someone who knows what she most wants. 

You must now this:  she has forgotten this ancient seed.  Sometimes she dreams about it.  Other times, she thinks it’s the beginning of a story she made up.  And when faint memories of it surface, she believes the seed is something that used to be but is no more.  A fairytale with a sad ending.

What she does remember is the word--adore. It is an ancient word.  It is a holy word.  In early morning, when her black sky shifts to slate, she lights a candle; she lifts her chin high, exposing her white throat, opens her mouth, drops the tongue to create a wide cavity, a place for receiving.  Ahhhhhhhh-dore.  She says the word deliberately.  Open, trusting, willing, on her best days she can believe her mouth will be filled with the sweetest nectar, the most potent nourishment.  She will be adored.

It is a keen desire, for a word that won’t go away, can’t diminish, never fades, but persists, and persists with the constancy of the very fist letter:  the Alpha.  The expression of presence. The impulse of creation. The petition to a god. The audacious assertion of a name.  The A of adore is the first feeling, the first desire. The sun adores the earth.  Water adores the seedling. The mother adores the child.

And once, when she was listening particularly well, Caretaker told her:

Adore Adonis who allures

who endures in safe and surly havens,

who drags you from your dormancy,

drums you from your cave

            again and again,

who admits you to his heart and

fends off the dragon who owns you.

Adore him.